


Old Memories, New Ones and Everything: The In-between Diary

by serpodrickpayne



Category: Persuasion - Jane Austen
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Diary/Journal, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-14 20:22:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 8,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4578648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serpodrickpayne/pseuds/serpodrickpayne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern AU of Persuasion as Anne Elliot´s diary: After graduating from university Anne Elliot has to find out what she wants to do with her life. Her time as assistant doctor at Uppercross Health Centre is going to bring some surprises.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Monday, 8 Sept. 2014**

My last day in Kellynch for quite a while I guess and actually it was rather random. I had to settle the matters which dad and Elizabeth had left unattended at their departure for Bath which included making our house ready for being left and saying bye to our neighbours. Not the smallest task but I got through. Obviously the best visit was to Amanda. Talking to her made me quite comfortable with my prospects of working at Uppercross Health Center. She reminded me that everything will be fine if I keep up my good work like in university. I feel more confident now.

What can go wrong? I already know the place from some excursions with university and Doctor Musgrove is a really nice boss. Tomorrow she helps me transport my belongings to Uppercross and I´m feel really relieved at the moment that I do not have to go alone. Just as it is a real “Walter Elliot” to leave me here alone to arrange the unpopular tasks it is a real “Amanda Russell” to help me get on the right path. It is reassuring to have somebody to trust especially in this uproar. I´m still not done thanking heavens (and mum) for making her my god-mother. I know her advice might not always be correct but at least it isn´t about using more botox only.

 

* * *

 

**Wednesday, 17 Sept. 2014**

What a week! It was exhausting but I feel surprisingly okay. Doctor Musgrove really seems to have adopted me into his family already. He took me to his for dinner last night I got to know his wife Judy and his daughter Louisa who is in music school and aspires to be the next superstar. I must say she has the character for it being very steady in her goals and having a very open disposition. It is sure great to know somebody about my age outside of work even if she´s a little loud sometimes.

The best however is having a break from “family life” or at least the kind of family life I know. Everything is so different here and I´ve become more reassured that coming here in the first place was the right decision. Well, I´m neither made for being a beauty doc nor for making deals for the new clinic dad is about to open in Bath, so I try to convince myself that taking Penelope Clay instead was the better solution. Hopefully this new investment will get the company out of debt. But the thing is, when have dad or my sister ever been economical? I can picture Elizabeth how she picks the most expensive furniture for having a great aura while dad´s only concern are the freckles of Penelope which “disrespect the company´s ideals of beauty”.

Am I selfish to be happy here? Bath just isn´t the place for me. I mean, eventually, I´ll have to go and maybe until then I just have to hope the best for them. Unfortunately these are things I can´t discuss with anybody here. This place brings new people with different concerns and topics which might not be the worst circumstances to take a family break and maybe also find a new one.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey :) as I originally wrote this for a university project, things might be a little bit unclear here. The middle section is the newspaper article, just for clarification. I hope it´s okay. Thank you for reading!

**Friday, 10 Oct. 2014**

My time at Uppercross continues to be great and Doctor Musgrove even provided me with my first patient who will be solely attended by myself. I know that it might be a bit weird to write in my journal about my patients but I have a feeling that Mary, my first real patient, doesn´t mind to have a prominent place in my life but rather that she would be angry if that wasn’t the case. Mary was brought in during the shift before mine with severe pain in the stomach area and there were suspicions of problems with her caecum which proved to be wrong. When my shift began I got the job of finding her problem exclusively as she is a private patient. A week and a lot of different examinations later I´m still clueless although I can´t help noticing that she seems to like the attention. But before having tried out very possibility I will not make such guesses.

Additionally my dad send me an interview he had by post. How will the new clinic work out if he refuses to send mails because they are aesthetically unpleasing to him? No time to worry about that, I should be picked up by the second for another dinner with the Musgrove family, this time an invitation to their favourite restaurant. Their attention to me is really kind and intense. Judy Musgrove already visited me twice at home, once even bringing a cake, and Louisa invited me to go jogging with her although I´m really not the sportive type. I will try it definitely but it might make me look old, I know.

Here they are, later more.

 

* * *

 

** Elliots invade Bath **

**_After failing to restore the financial situation of the Kellynch Clinics stationary in Kellynch the medical clan of the Elliots will try to regain financial stability by opening a clinic in Bath._ **

In an interview yesterday evening Walter Elliot, owner of Kellynch Clinics, announced his investment in the Bath branch of EasyBeauty Ltd., a bankrupt beauty clinics chain from Birmingham. He is confident that this step will help to regain the losses suffered in connection with the recent hygienic scandal and lead the company into “a splendid looking future”. The contract was finalized this spring and at the moment renovation and refurbishments are in action. Elliot hopes to open the Clinics in December and to reach a bigger range of potential patients.This is the second major change in the history of Kellynch Clinics. Being in possession of the Elliot family for three generations, the original hospital was transformed into a beauty clinic when it passed from the late Mr Elliot to his firstborn son Walter.

Aside this optimism about the enlargement experts predict a further loss of exclusivity and quality. Once Kellynch Clinics attracted several stars including Jennifer Calypso and Daniel Payne but it will be hard to keep up this reputation of high-end beauty surgery while investing in a beauty clinic formerly known to provide cheap, standard beautification for everyone. To counter this impression Elliot plans a nationwide campaign with his starlet daughter Elizabeth Elliot as a testimony and several other surprise guests. Additionally Elliot will move to Bath not only to supervise the establishment of the clinic but also to be the medical director. The future decides if this investment will bring success or if it will bring the Elliot family to have a cardiac arrest.

 

* * *

 

Just back from the restaurant and actually I am dead tired but also really upset when I shouldn´t be. The evening went along fabulous, the talk was amiable and my affection for the Musgrove family ever growing.  Then I received another invitation to attend a small party the Musgroves gave in honour of a pair newly moved into the neighbourhood and now also part of their golf club: William “The Admiral” and Sophia Croft. When I heard the name “Croft” I was paralyzed for a second but then regained hope. Maybe it was a different couple which was totally not related to him. However, this delusion did not last long when Mrs Musgrove mentioned that Mrs Croft´s brother was indeed the famous singer/songwriter/music producer Frederik Wentworth. On top of this all, he was to visit them soon as his first real home holidays for 8 years. Fortunately, I kept things together and was able to answer, yes very short, but sensible. My quietness for the rest of the evening was not noticed as the Musgrove are loud and talkative enough to entertain themselves. I tried my best to be as grateful and gentle as ever because this is clearly no fault of theirs.

Am I really to meet him again? There is still the chance of escaping such a meeting surely but the actual fault in this situation is my reaction. The fact that there is a reaction still for the man I decided to leave 8 long years ago for mature and prudent reasons is wrong. Also it is the wrong kind of reaction, it is a lot of regret and sadness. It seems logical that the Musgroves will invite him to their party and I must see him if I attend, therefore this has to stop. I need to be totally normal around him and not betray anything. Fortunately his sister and his brother-in-law do know nothing about us or at least they can´t match me with the girl who refused to join him in his adventures in America. Thank heaven for that! It all seems so unreal to me. Yeah, I kind of followed his career in the States but I never let myself stalk him too much. Tomorrow I have a day off luckily and after jogging with Louisa I have to start working on myself so I can stay perfectly calm and normal. The amount of blushing has to be reduced. Why? Why does he have to come back now?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more part before going on holidays :)

**Saturday, 11 Oct. 2014**

After only four hours of sleep I already feel a little bit better than yesterday. Also doing some sport again with Louisa was helpful too. Yes, I have to admit that I´m quite out of form and it doesn´t feel as easy as it used to but I have a clear head now and decided to go over our story in order to be prepared. Because if I already have remembered everything before I meet him there will be no unpleasant recollection of things then. Also I want to recount my arguments for what I did back then. I know I won´t be able to chase away the doubts I had all these years but I have become more steady.

When I first met him I was had just started studying to become a doctor which was really no surprise if you are part of a medical clan that goes way back. In the holidays after my first semester I helped out at a hospital near Kellynch in order to gain practical experience in my contact with patients and as it happened Frederick Wentworth was there to visit his brother who stayed at the hospital because of a broken hip. Back then Fred was an unknown musician who had just finished university and was in search of some job to support him because the music lessons he gave weren´t enough. I can remember him exactly: optimistic, confident and also rather good looking. As we were thrown together every day for three weeks and he was only little older than me it didn´t take too long until he actually invited me to one of his gigs he was playing around local pubs. So it did meet him there and a few other times for coffee in the hospital canteen. Basically we were both smitten and forged a bond quickly. All this ended in a relationship which was short but intense because I had never met somebody like him before.

After a few months of romance and totally crazy happiness Fred asked me. He had long had this dream about trying his luck in the United States where maybe he could have a real career instead of teaching headstrong children, strange elderly people and bored house wives. It was perfectly clear to him that in America everything would work out and he wanted me to come along. Back then I was 19 and only thought about him, so I said I would come and just study in the United States wherever we would settle. I was so euphoric that I didn´t think for one second but when the time came to tell my dad, my sister and Amanda I slowly began to understand. Their reactions did the rest for me. They were shocked, not about the fact that I wanted to go abroad, but rather that I should run away with someone who had no prospects in life, couldn´t afford his own living and would probably remain unsuccessful forever. Especially Amanda found rough words by comparing my life prospects to his and making me a list of all the things I would throw away if I really went with Fred: my friends and family, maybe not the most caring or kind one, but family none the less, a place at one of the best universities in the world and a scholarship which helped to keep the spending of our family low. If I really went away none of these could be regained.I really was at loss what to do. On the one hand I was in love like I had never been before with the most amazing guy I had met and on the other hand there were all these tragedies that could happen, all the prudence and logic demanded to be followed.

I choose and the decision I made could have turned out in both directions but today I think it was right to leave him in order to become the person I am today: a great assistant doctor only some internships away from my real title, a stabilizer to my family and a staunch friend of Amanda and her prudence. Maybe I´m not as great looking as I was because honestly studying hard and working shifts in hospital might not have improved my looks or my health, but I am helping people and that´s all I ever wanted to do. That´s the right attitude I just have to keep this up and then nothing can go wrong, hopefully. And as for the doubts, I knew all along I couldn´t beat them, but they are only doubts of the heart not of the mind. Logically my life is fine. This sounds awful, better keep the mantra from above.


	4. Chapter 4

_Excerpt Wikipedia Fred Wentworth_

* * *

**Frederick Wentworth**

Frederick Wentworth (born 28 December 1982) is an English folk/punk singer-songwriter and producer from Southampton, Hampshire.  He is mainly successful in the United States of America where he produced for Shiera, The Anastasias and Jerry Kaul.

To date, Wentworth has released two solo albums, the last “Feather Kings” was released on 9.11.2013.

**Early Life**

Frederick Wentworth was born in Nursling, Southampton as the third child to Robert Wentworth, a teacher, and his wife Samantha, a nurse. He attended the local Howard Knope School and the proceeded to study music at the Brighton Musical Institute where he graduated in 2006.

**Musical Career**

In 2006 he started his musical career after moving to America to pursue his dreams of living from his music alone. Between 2006 and 2007 he gained himself a reputation by playing every show he was offered in the area of Chicago. The breakthrough came in 2008 when his song “Inkskin” was discovered by radio DJ Sebastian Molin and played nationwide. His first album “Laconia” followed in the summer 2009 making him number 2 of American Album Charts for 5 weeks. After touring all over America and Australia for a year, Wentworth accepted to produce the first album of the then unknown band The Anastasias. Following this success he went on producing for famous artists such as Jerry Kaul and Shiera. Near the end of 2012 Wentworth announced the recording of his second solo album “Feather Kings” which was released in November 2013 and continued his success by selling even more than his debut album. After the tour which ended in June 2014 he announced a pause from the business, although there are rumours of collaboration with the Australian newcomer Brienne Tarris.

**Personal Life**

Since becoming famous Wentworth has dated the actress Mia Swanson and the veterinarian Jennifer Haverford. Both relationships ended rather quickly and he stated later that he finds it hard to combine his career and his personal life due to his long abscences.

His older sister Sophie Croft is married to the British rock singer The Admiral. In allusion to this connection Wentworth has been given the nickname “The Captain” by the tabloid The Mars. He even used it to play a secret charity gig in 2012.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long!


	5. Chapter 5

**Saturday, 25 Oct. 2014**

All this preparation and it has been for naught. Still I feel relieved. At the moment I´m sitting in the hospital next to my patient Mary who saved me from attending the party at the Musgroves today. I was just about to finish my shift when her stomach pain got worse and additionally she also suffered from different other symptoms like intense sweating, vertigo and heart arrhythmia. Because of some ill colleagues and a busy emergency ward we were short on staff, therefore somebody of us assistant doctors had been obliged to help out and extend his shift. I did not hesitate a moment and volunteered although Doctor Musgrove tried to convince me otherwise. In the end I had the upper hand however. Most of the time I was concerned to ease Mary´s pain and find out more about whatever could be ailing her with small interruptions of helping out at the emergency ward. This went wrong however as Mary additionally had a panic attack because I left her alone, so now I am waiting until she is asleep.

I´m really tired and am only too well aware that this escape was narrow. Eventually I will have to see him. By now he will know that I am here, but I guess that he is rather indifferent about my presence. I mean, he is kind of famous and I might be one of many for him. Or else why did he never get in touch? I mean, yes it did hurt him enormously that I stayed in the U.K., but eventually he could have called sometime during the past 8 years. It´s fine, at least I know what I am at. Mary is asleep now and will be for a considerable amount of time judging all the tranquiliser she received today. The rest of the hospital seems calm too, I think I´ll leave for home, catch some sleep and then I have to apologize to Judy for not showing up at the party.

* * *

**Sunday, 26 Oct. 2014**

Thank God it´s over! It leaves a sour taste in my mouth but, at least, it´s over. I have seen him and he has seen me and it´s over. Easy as that. But let´s begin in the beginning. Actually I had planned on phoning Judy, but then she invited me over for tea and turned out to be not angry at all, just as I had suspected. She told me all the news of the party, especially about how everybody liked Frederick Wentworth. When Judy told me that he even asked about me, I was grateful because then we needed no formal introduction. She couldn´t praise him enough and was quite proud that he had called Louisa a great talent.

Just in this moment the bell rang and there he stood with his guitar and the same smile, just as if he´d never been away. Apparently Fred had come to pick up Louisa. Therefore the meeting was nothing more than a quick exchange of niceties between Judy and him, especially of the party, and a quiet “Hello” in my direction. With a racing heart I tried not to look at him and as Louisa was ready rather fast, they were gone after a two minutes. I was left to listen to Judy´s talk about the party a little bit longer, although I was rather absent-mindedly before I could excuse myself. My thoughts and feelings were reeling, so I just drove around in my car for a while in order to calm down. It´s been 8 years for fuck´s sake! So many things have changed, but still I can´t stop myself from asking myself how he feels about meeting me again. Judging his behavior he will avoid me.

Now it´s two hours later and I got my answers. Louisa texted to set a new running date and mentioned that Fred apparently thinks I´ve changed very much and not for the better. I don´t care about his opinion because I know myself that I look rather worn out after years of studying day and night, working shifts and failing to keep the family household together. It only bothers me that I can´t say the same about him, that after years of touring and working hard to become what he is now, a famous singer/ songwriter and prodigious producer, he still looks the same. Maybe even better because now all his hopes are justified and he lives his dream. Anyway, the worst is done and I have to accept that from now on we´ll be thrown together more often and that he´ll only see me as some random girl he once knew.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is some more!


	6. Chapter 6

**Thursday, 13 Nov. 2014**

As I predicted, we see each other rather regularly now. Be it at dinners at the Musgroves, the Crofts (who seem to have taken to me and consider me part of the Musgrove family, which means they always invite me, too) or at bars and clubs when meeting with Louisa and her friends, he is always there. We never speak though, only words which politeness requires are exchanged. As usual, he doesn´t lack occupation being admired by the whole female part of Uppercross and always telling stories about his time in America or his current project which is raising money for Uppercross Health Centre. He is so amazed of Louisa´s voice (apparently not only of her voice, if the rumours are true) that he decided on releasing a charity single with Louisa in order to raise money for Uppercross Health Centre and awareness for Polio which was the cause of death of the Musgrove´s baby boy Richard.

It is hard to think that once we were so close and now I can´t even look at him or talk to him. Although I never refuse an invitation (Mary isn´t much better, but she can´t be my excuse for everything), I try to keep myself in the background.  Sometimes this is even necessary to hide my feelings. He can be so cold to me while I know what an open-hearted and easy-going person he actually is and this hurts although it shouldn´t.

 

 

* * *

**Friday, 21 Nov. 2014**

Oh my god, I am so far from being over this.  Today I was sitting alone in the break room at the hospital and eating my lunch, when Fred came in. I was shocked and I could see that even he dropped his perfect mask for a moment, but then inquired after Doctor Musgrove whom he was supposed to meet here to talk about the charity project. After I informed him that I didn´t know of Doctor Musgrove´s whereabouts, but that I was sure that he would soon be there, we were both at loss what to say and so I continued eating while he stared out of the window.

It was so embarrassing; I had to control myself so hard not to run out when suddenly we heard a scream from the hallway. Immediately we were both out there and I recognized Mary lying on the floor crying. She insisted that she could not get up on her own, but before I could even try to help her, Fred had already taken her up. I showed the way and he carried her to her room. Drawn into the hallway by all the noise, Doctor Musgrove appeared, required if everything was alright and took Fred with him. Of course I had to attend Mary, so that I couldn´t even thank him for his help. I don´t know why this shook me up so much but now I´ve come home after my shift I still feel so nervous and ashamed. Maybe I should sleep, but actually I know I will only end up going over every detail again and again, so I might as well stay up and hope for some distraction on TV. I feel like such a dork.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long!


	7. Chapter 7

**Wednesday, 26 Nov. 2014**

It happened again. Why does he always have to come over me as a surprise? If I know beforehand I can be prepared and I can handle the situation, I mean by now I´m used to his rejection and coldness.  And what else should I expect? I was engaged to meet Louisa for another round of jogging. We had just started our usual tour on the Winthrop path when Fred came running along and of course Louisa invited him to join us. By then it was impossible for me to just drop out. Most of the conversation was done by Fred and Louisa, so I tried hard to concentrate on the lyrics of the song I was listening to (Chasing Pavements by Adele, not very helpful or motivational).

Lately they really spend a lot of time together working on their song. This became even plainer when I witnessed a conversation between them during our usual break which was not meant for my ears. I had received a phone call from the hospital because Mary was having another panic attack and therefore had moved away from the two in the direction of some trees. She had explicitly asked for me. As I couldn´t beam myself to the hospital I tried to soothe Mary on the phone and afterwards went back in search of the others.

I didn´t want to intrude on them when I heard them being engaged in serious conversation and therefore stayed behind one tree trying not to listen. Really, I tried but I was drawn to their voices again and again, so I gave way only to hear Fred praising Louisa for possessing a firm independent character. He said that he had seldom found such determination in people. Of course, I should not have heard it, but still it felt like a well-deserved slap in the face. He really has drawn his conclusions from our relationship and now I am all he would never ever want. On top of this Louisa kissed him. When I could tear myself from my thoughts I went back from where I had phoned Mary and approached them from a different angle where they could see me well beforehand and we resumed our jogging. I felt cast down and dead tired and I still am. 

Just as we were crossing the main road the Crofts were driving past and stopped for us offering to take us along the rest of the way because we all looked pretty done. Louisa refused in the loudest way possible as the aim of jogging was to be pretty done and Fred joined in. Still he must have noticed how pale and haggard I looked because he quickly looked at his sister and shook his head in my direction. While Sophia started pleading me to take the offer, he opened the car door for me and saw me in. I could have thought that maybe he wanted to get rid of me to be alone with Louisa, but this wasn´t the case. Instead I felt really grateful that he had noticed my condition and wanted to help me. Although he clearly hasn´t forgiven me for what I did, he still can´t see me suffer and I think that´s very honourable of him. He simply is an enormously kind person, I always knew this.

The Crofts brought me home safely and I immediately made for the hospital as looking after Mary might prevent me from brooding and/or hyperventilating. This distraction was good but leaves me with even stranger feelings now, thankful and disappointed at the same time. I knew as well as everybody else that he liked Louisa a lot. Maybe it will get better now that everything is settled.

 

* * *

 

**Saturday, 29 Nov. 2014**

Amanda is back today! She came back from a conference in France and I think it´s time that I see her sometime soon. Maybe I can take some days off here and visit her in Kellynch. I guess she´ll be rather shocked to hear that Fred is back. Hopefully, they´ll never meet again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Thursday, 4 Dec. 2014**

Well, I guess my plan of seeing Amanda will have to wait for some time. Because the end of my practice in Uppercross Health Centre comes nearer and nearer, Doctor Musgrove decided today that I should get a new, more satisfying project after Mary has been transferred into a special clinic for mental health issues. I had every possible reason for her stomach pain checked (twice, in fact) without learning about the real cause. Having witnessed several of her panic attacks has leaded me to the conclusion that also the rest of her symptoms could have a mental cause. Discussing her case with Doctor Musgrove and several colleagues brought about the decision of her transfer.

At first I was relieved and also motivated for my new project until I found out about its nature: I was assigned to become the medical head of Fred and Louisa´s charity project. Yeah, bull´s eye! The song is ready to be recorded and Fred had chosen to do so at a studio in Lyme which belonged to his old colleague Tony Harville who was perfect for the job because he had survived Polio in his childhood but still suffered from the consequences. Additionally a music video and several other promotional videos would be shot in Lyme including one of the medical head, i.e. ME, explaining about Polio. Therefore Fred, Louisa and I are to travel to Lyme for a long weekend. I know that it is a token of Doctor Musgrove´s trust to give me an important role in his darling project but I really hoped for a medical challenge like working in the emergency ward. At least I have not too much time to ponder about it all as we are to set off in two days and I need to get some research about Polio done.

 

 

* * *

**Saturday, 6 Dec. 2014**

Here we are, Lyme. In her exuberance, Louisa wanted to go down to the sea and the Cobb directly after checking in at the hotel and so we went there. On the way Fred left us to call on his old friend Harville but soon joined us with the said friend, his wife and another colleague James Benwick who would shoot our videos. On the way here Fred had explained to us Benwick´s story and had implored us to be extra friendly with him. Apparently Benwick was engaged to Harville´s sister Fanny and they only waited for his films to be successful (in terms of money) to marry when she had a fatal accident while he was filming his biggest success, a documentary about American deserts. Since then he lived with the Harvilles and was a rather introverted melancholic fellow.

On meeting them I had a small backlash because I thought that under different circumstances these people could already have been my friends for some years, but I quickly got my control back and started to enjoy the somehow soothing noise of the waves. I really have to say that I am proud to be so normal in his presence, true we never got farer than some civilities, but it suffices. Also I like Lyme really well. After a small walk on the Cobb we made for Harville´s studio which was tiny but still a perfect place for our purpose. Because of time restraints everybody immediately went to work.

While Harville, Fred and Louisa started to record their single, my task was to work on the video scripts with Benwick and we actually did go on very well together. Turns out that he is poetry enthusiast and once I got past his shell, he seemed happy to be able to talk to somebody about his favourite subject. I can´t believe I even found myself recommending some books other than poetry to him and he seemed to be grateful. Strange thought to come to Lyme and offer some psychical relief to a rather depressed man. Maybe this mission is more medical than I thought. We worked quite long but were successful as the single was recorded ready for mixing and we even shot my explanation video, so for tomorrow only the shoot of two videos interviewing affected people is on the plate for me. Afterwards we visited a bar and Louisa got quite drunk shouting about how musicians were the best bunch of people in the world. Well, off to bed now, a lot of work tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyme, here we come!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the poem obviously. Enjoy :)

**Sunday, 7 Dec. 2014**

I might have been a little bit drunk too, now that I read my entry from yesterday. Luckily, I feel quite good today, so no hangover and surprisingly little melancholia or nostalgia. However the rest might have felt, we started early where we had left off yesterday.

On our way to Harville´s we passed a man looking around our age and at first I found it strange that he kind of stared at me, but then I was surprised that it was actually an extremely positive expression on his face. Well, maybe the sea has a good influence on my aura, because I haven´t been looked at this way for at least three years. Even Fred seemed to have noticed the glance. Then, later, when I was fetching some snacks for everyone in a nearby supermarket I ran into the exact same man again nearly knocking him down. As before he gave me this look of admiration, apologized very handsomely and was quickly back on his way. But still this wasn´t the end of it because during lunch the said man was parking for a moment outside our restaurant with his Porsche and Fred immediately asked the waiter if this was someone famous. Rather strange of him, not only because he is actually the famous one, but also because he threw me a glance impossible to interpret, too.

To my astonishment the waiter really knew who the man was and this held another surprise for me. It was William Bonham, the son of my father´s former business partner. I hadn´t seen him since we were children, so it had been impossible for me to recognize him. His father and mine once had a big fight about some changes in the concept of Kellynch Beauty Clinics and therefore the late Mr Bonham had withdrawn from the company. Most of his capital however he had left invested in the Clinics and as neither Elizabeth who hasn´t the right degrees nor me will be taking them over, Walter Bonham might become an important person for our family. It felt good to see him, because I think he is a person my father could approve of once he apologized for the past mistakes of his family. Although I was at boarding school during the incident, I know that time was a really hard one because dad had barely started to cope with mum´s death when also his business partner let him down.

If these events hadn´t happened we would be happier and maybe wouldn´t have all these debts. Well, I guess, I have to mention this meeting in my next call to dad or Elizabeth. At least they seem to enjoy Bath and have no other concerns than the abundance of “ugly” faces. Now it´s time to work again. We had a little break after lunch but now we´ll come the highlight of our stay which is shooting the music video at the beach and the Cobb.

One of Benwick favourite poems I felt like keeping. I hope he really does read more prose in the future.

* * *

 

 

**Outside History by Eavan Boland**

 

These are outsiders, always. These stars—  
these iron inklings of an Irish January,  
whose light happened  
thousands of years before  
our pain did; they are, they have always been  
outside history.  
They keep their distance. Under them remains  
a place where you found  
you were human, and  
a landscape in which you know you are mortal.  
And a time to choose between them.  
I have chosen:  
out of myth in history I move to be  
part of that ordeal  
who darkness is  
only now reaching me from those fields,  
those rivers, those roads clotted as  
firmaments with the dead.  
How slowly they die  
as we kneel beside them, whisper in their ear.  
And we are too late. We are always too late.


	10. Chapter 10

**Monday, 8 Dec. 2014**

Back at Uppercross and finally time to write again! Yesterday turned out to be horrible, a whirlwind of accidents and emotions. Maybe I´ll just start where I left off. After our break we got down to the beach to shoot the video with Fred and Louisa in the main roles. Benwick filmed while Harville and I helped out to prepare the scenes. We had no crew because it should look like an amateur video of a day at the beach. Louisa had the idea of having a scene in which she´d jump down the steps leading to the lower Cobb and Fred would catch her.

The first take went well, but Louisa was determined to do better and then the terrible accident happened. Fred still listened to some instructions of Benwick when Louisa already jumped down another time and fully slammed on the hard stone because Fred failed to catch her. All rushed to her in horror and Fred took her up. There was no visible wound but Louisa was unconscious. Fred went pale and started to yell at us for help, his eyes fixed on Louisa. As nobody moved I immediately went into hospital emergency mode, laid Louisa down and brought her into recovery position. The others were still paralyzed, especially Fred who staggered. I brought them to call the ambulance and while they loaded Louisa in, I organized a lift to the Lyme hospital for the rest of us. The time of waiting for some news is still blurry to me and my medical knowledge was useless as I had nothing to do, no occupation.

Finally the good news came that she wasn´t in mortal danger but still remained unconscious and couldn´t be moved. I´ve never seen anybody as relieved as Fred was. Then we had to decide what to do now and only then we remembered that we had to call her parents. Fred felt so guilty and useless, I guess, that he suggested not only calling them, but renting a car, picking them up and bringing them to Lyme himself while I stayed with Louisa. That was a rather disturbing moment because it almost felt like old times. He told me nobody would be so perfect to look after Louisa than me and even hugged me shortly. I knew deep down that I was only dear to him in this moment because I could be of use to Louisa. I should stop to hope when things like these happen. Ugh, yes I have to admit I hoped still.

The task of informing Doctor Musgrove and Judy fell to me, while Fred organized the car and Harville and Benwick stayed at Louisa´s side.  Unfortunately, our plan didn´t work out. The Musgroves were deeply shocked and appreciated to be picked up, but even in this situation Doctor Musgrove thought about his hospital and begged me to come back to take over his shifts. So I left Louisa in the hands of Benwick and Harville to meet up with Fred who seemed devastated to hear the news. Nevertheless we immediately started for Uppercross and arrived at record time after only one hour and a half. It was a weird time in the car. Most of the time we were quiet and I was thinking about how easily Fred and I had teamed up, organizing together etc. Maybe it was some kind of trial to form a friendship; probably he was just too upset to think about what he was doing. I like to think of it as the first one, you know.

Finally in Uppercross, everything went very fast. The Musgroves had already packed for Louisa and themselves and so I saw them off, feeling tired but also relieved. At the moment I´m still at Uppercross but I´ll leave soon.

 

* * *

 

 

**Monday, 15 Dec. 2014**

Today I left Uppercross behind but not directly for Bath but rather for Kellynch. Now that everything at Uppercross was settled I will be able to visit Amanda without a bad conscience and I will be staying quite long because she invited me for Christmas. We both do not like the idea of Christmas at Bath, so we spend it here. Dad and Elizabeth will be as busy as ever without me anyway.

It´s a drizzly rainy day and I feel as gloomy as the sky. Louisa´s state hasn´t changed, she is still in coma and attended by her family, Fred, Benwick and Harville. Although I hardly get any news from them (well, there might not be too much to tell) my head and heart is constantly with them and therefore I find it hard to concentrate on Amanda´s range of discussion topics. I even neglected the contact with dad and Elizabeth lately. At least the uncomfortable first talk with Amanda is done and we both try to mention Fred as little as possible. Nevertheless my biggest fear is that these two might meet. It´s not too unlikely because Amanda is also part of the Crofts´and Musgroves´golf club. Fred spends most of his time in Lyme I guess and I´m sure that after Louisa´s recovery they will be more open about their relationship which is Amanda´s relief but for me a nagging little pain I shouldn´t feel. I should wish them the best from all my heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope to be more regular with uploading. Trying my best :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Monday, 22 Dec. 2014**

On today´s list was another great test: maneuvering through a dinner with Amanda and the Crofts. They wanted to meet up one last time before I go to Bath and of course I had to offer Amanda to accompany me. While Amanda and Sophia got along pretty well The Admiral is a little rough for her I guess. The number one topic was the accident at Lyme which was discussed over and over again. It may sound weird but I miss my time at Uppercross already although it was stressful and emotional crippling. At least this dinner made me immune to hearing about the great love between Louisa and Fred.

Maybe it´s better to leave it behind, old memories, new ones and everything.

 

 

* * *

 

**Sunday, 28 Dec. 2014**

After being in some kind of seclusion at Amanda´s place and having really quiet Christmas holidays I had to take up contact with the world again, so today I called my dad and indeed he had news other than ugly faces and inappropriate freckles. William Bonham had settled in Bath and sought reconciliation after his father´s death. As he is quite good looking it is no surprise that dad and Elizabeth loved his attention and forgave him immediately.  Their reasons might be wrong, still I think we should at least give him a try because William could be helpful with the Clinics and actually I don´t mind seeing him again.

The other person to call was Judy with good news from Louisa. She woke up two days ago and is still in hospital, but now her full recovery is sure. I was so relieved to hear that she´s fine and can go home in due time. The whole party at Lyme is euphoric and incredibly supportive for Louisa. Judy even went so far as to announce a big party as soon as they´re back home with me as a guest of honour for my quick help and reaction. I just did what everybody would have done but still she insists that she and everybody else involved won´t stop praising me for the rest of my life. Also Benwick who seems to visit Louisa rather often trying to distract her with poetry texted me. I think our stay really helped him get better and he´s grateful for some company again. Maybe he also feels guilty for talking to Fred in the moment Louisa fell down.

Fred himself left to visit his brother who now lives in Shropshire the moment Louisa woke up in order to allow Louisa a better, undisturbed recovery. At least the danger of a meeting between Amanda and him is now extinguished as Amanda and I will leave for Bath tomorrow. For the rest of her holidays she is to council my dad on his problems with the Clinics and I´m happy that she is coming. I´m definitely in need of some sensible people around me because I still don´t like the idea of going to Bath to work at the Clinics.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bath, here we come.

 

**Friday, 2 Jan. 2015**

The first day in Bath is over and I´m still alive. My expectations on our journey here went from bad to worse because I kind of perceive this time in Bath as prison time. It is understandable that my father wants me to work for his own clinics for a while but on the other hand it is clear to me that I´ll never become a beauty doc. So when I arrived at our new house my mood was hitting rock bottom. Surprisingly, my dad and Elizabeth were really affectionate, eager to show me our new home and ready to be praised for their exquisite choice of furniture, accommodation and acquaintance.

Their chief treasure being William Bonham, they mainly talked of all the efforts he made to become reconciled which range from flirting with Elizabeth to buying them monstrous chandelier. I begin to wonder if there is something more to this because he can´t gain anything through behaving this friendly. His investment stays put anyway and as neither Elizabeth nor I will ever take over the Clinics, William Bonham is free to become medical director. Another concern of mine is Penelope Clay who seems to have gained more power over and insight in the finances in my absence. We were briefly chatting about my time in Uppercross (I was positively astonished that they listened to me for 5 minutes) when our bell rang and William Bonham entered. He was surprised to find out who I was and I eventually came to talk about Lyme and Uppercross a little more. Although I have my doubts about him, his presence not only improves the conversation but also my mood another bit. As I already said I am in need of sensible people.

 

* * *

 

**Wednesday, 7 Jan. 2015**

My feelings about being here are still mixed. On the one hand I get along with my family better than I had expected. My dad even complimented me on my improved looks and wouldn´t believe that I wasn´t using some kind of panacea. On the other hand I fear for them because the influence of Penelope seems to be increasing because my dad also complimented her. He thinks that her freckles are becoming lighter and nearly invisible while in reality they are as bright as ever. It feels like suddenly he has a brain cancer. He is capable of many things but he is usually more than honest when it comes to looks.

Another issue is the fact that Walter has taken Amanda by storm just as he did with my family. I can´t deny that he´s the most pleasant acquaintance I´ve made so far but maybe this due to a) the little acquaintance I have and/or b) the qualities of them. For now I´m just going to see the topic as yet another one on which Amanda´s and my opinion differ.


	13. Chapter 13

**Tuesday, 13 Jan. 2015**

A day has come that I thought would never occur: today I´d wish my dad and Elizabeth had even more of the famous Elliot pride. Ever since the news of former popstar Lady Dalrymple and her daughter Lana Carterett coming to town has hit the ears of my father, they are all going completely nuts. Dad has met Lady Dalrymple only briefly some 20 years ago but he insists that she is a good friend of his and will be delighted to renew their connection. Additionally he is absolutely sure about her willingness to become the second testimony for the promotion campaign he plans. I doubt this because who likes to be told that they look like the perfect person for a beautification?

In order to achieve this goal he and Elizabeth, sometimes even Amanda, have become ass-kissers and spend their whole time pleasing their precious Dalrymples. We have given 2 dinner parties in their honour in only one week and visited them once in Laura Gardens where they live. Whoever we meet will immediately be told about our great friends “who are our biggest luck” while in fact they possess nothing which would make somebody desire their company.

My only beacons in this storm of Dalrymples and Carterets are William´s compliance with my concerns about Penelope and the fact that someday my duty here will be done. I really should start to think about the future sometime soon.

 

* * *

 

**Sunday, 18 Jan. 2015**

A few days ago I have made a valuable discovery: Eva Smith who went with me to boarding school and is now living in Bath. She texted me after she heard about the newly opened Kellynch Clinic because she thought I might be around. We have met several times since and after some awkward minutes and a catch-up it feels like I´ve regained a real friend.

At first I was shocked to see her because Eva is currently bound to use a wheelchair and has a hard time behind her. Her boyfriend and she had had a terrible car accident in which he died and she hurt her back and her legs. Because of her grief, her injury and her therapy to regain her ability to walk Eva additionally lost her job and is now in dire financial need. Nevertheless she is so strong! How I admire her for her ability to be optimistic and to laugh and to meet with me after such horrible events. Although she can´t leave the house very often except for therapy of which the result is unsure, she never gives up and has learned a lot. At the moment she depends solely on her physiotherapist Mrs Rooke who is a master practitioner in her field and calls many famous and rich people her patients. She barely charges Eva anything but instead always brings around the newest gossip. Yeah, I´m not too fond of gossiping but one has to imagine that it is the only distraction for Eva.

A problem occurred however when yesterday my renewed friendship with Eva came into the way of renewing dad´s friendship with the Dalrymples. I never really told anyone about visiting Eva except Amanda because nobody is really that interested in what I do as long as I take part in the Clinic meetings and visit the Dalrymples with them. It went undetected until Lady Dalrymple condescended to invite us for dinner on the exact day when I was to meet with Eva. My father got enormously angry because I insisted on visiting Eva. In his opinion, she isn´t important because she is neither beautiful nor rich nor can I gain anything from our friendship. I am still angry with him and rubbing every detail of the wonderful dinner at Laura Gardens under my nose wasn´t really helpful either.

Additionally Amanda keeps dropping hints that William is definitely “romantically interested” in me because of all the attention he gives me. Only somebody of Amanda´s age could use the words “romantically interested” and it´s so awkward because for me it´s a very unlikely scenario. I finally got behind my doubts about him. I can´t deny that he is a sensible, polite and rational man but sometimes he is simply too slippery. He never betrays a feeling of any kind and although I´ve met him so often I can´t figure out his character. Hard to admit but I kept thinking a lot about Fred since Lyme and it occurred to me that he stayed my role model for character traits I admire in men: openness, optimism and enthusiasm. William lacks the openness, is realistic and doesn´t give me a chance to see what he is enthusiastic about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being so irregular!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy it and forgive me for inaccuracies and mistakes.


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